In China, family roles are still relatively traditional. While it is common for both men and women to work outside the home, when it comes to breadwinning, housework, and childrearing, China tends to fall in line with long standing gender roles. The man makes the money, the woman keeps house and tends the children. While multigenerational households add another dimension to the division of labou within the family, in general the man of the house is not expected to cook or clean, and a good wife is expected to at least be a competent housekeeper, be able to throw together a nice meal, and take care of the children. The male, in turn, is expected to be the provider, to supply his family with a home, with a car, with nice things. So what happens when foreigners, with perhaps different cultural expectations, and in some cases, unequal earning potential, enter the mix?
Money doesn’t make the world go round… Or does it?
For a foreign male marrying a Chinese woman, he may find that the pressure is on even before the wedding has taken place. Whereas overseas it is common for a young married couple to rent a home for a few years and then buy their first home together, in China the man is often expected to bring an apartment to the marriage, sometimes as a prerequisite before the woman (and her parents) will even begin to think about talking about a wedding. There is enormous pressure on a man to be financially solvent before getting married, and rising costs of living in many of the cities make starting a family a pipe dream for many couples. While most foreign men would agree that they need to be prepared to provide for a family when they decide to get married, most foreigners would baulk at the idea that a certain amount of capital is required before marriage can even be considered. Most Westerners do not like to view getting married as a financial transaction and prefer to see things in more equal terms, with both parties contributing in their own way. When foreign men are met with monetary expectations (or even demands) from the woman and her family it can be a turn off and can often stall or even derail completely any plans for a future together.
Role reversal
On the flip side, when foreign women are in relationships with Chinese men it is often unrealistic for the man to be the breadwinner simply do to the uneven (and some would say unfair) disparity between salaries in China for foreigners and locals. Most foreigners can earn at least double, and sometimes much more, than what the average Chinese person can make. And while there are very well off Chinese men out there, and especially in the big cities high salaries are not uncommon, most foreign women do not pick their potential partners based on the size of their salary. While it is somewhat rare in the West for the woman of the family to be the breadwinner, it is not at all unheard of and stay-at-home dads are on the rise. In China, however, stay-at-home dads are almost nonexistent and a man who is not the provider for his family may face judgment from society even if his wife is perfectly content with being the main breadwinner. For many Chinese men the prospect of being with a woman who makes more money than he does may be unacceptable, and this can be a tough hurdle to get past for many women who are dating Chinese men. Even if the man is open minded and able to accept the reality that it makes more sense for his wife to be the main provider since she has higher earning potential, at some point, especially when it is time to start thinking about having children, the wife may feel frustrated at the way their options are limited as a couple.
Aside from the financial expectations, expectations regarding the division of household labour for a foreign/Chinese couple may cause certain conflicts. Foreign women are more likely to expect their husband to pitch in around the house, to clean, to cook, and to help with childcare. While some Chinese men do help with these things, not all will feel it is part of their obligation towards the household. Many feel that their job ends with bringing home the paycheck. Many Chinese men have jobs that often take them out of town on business or require them to do late nights at the office or to go to drinking parties with coworkers and clients. If a foreign woman (who is not the breadwinner) expects her husband to put home obligations above work obligations she might be disappointed because to many Chinese men their main obligation is to make sure that they do well at their job so that they can continue to provide for their family. While some Westerners might sacrifice work in order to spend more time with their family, Chinese men are good at “eating bitterness” and doing what has to be done for the physical well being of the family, sometimes neglecting the emotional.
The dreaded in-laws
It would seem that foreign men then would have fairly few home issues, since Chinese women generally have fewer expectations from men regarding household duties, but in fact some foreign men have expressed frustration because they feel shut out of their home life. Especially where children are involved, the Chinese wife and her parents will often take over all aspects of childraising and the foreign father will find that his opinions count for naught. The first months of new parenthood can be bewildering for a foreign dad who suddenly finds himself caught up in a deluge of old wives tales, scoldings, and the dictatorial presence of a mother in law who secretly (or not so secretly) thinks he’s a moron. When he has an opinion or experience of his own to share he might find that it is hard to make his voice heard. He’s told to butt out and to leave the baby to the women who know best how to care for him. In this sort of environment it is easy for foreign husbands to become distant and detached and sometimes even resentful that they are not “allowed” to be more involved in the raising of their own children.
So how can a couple avoid the clashing of expectations regarding the running of a household? Before jumping into marriage it is a good idea to have a frank talk with your partner and discuss how you were raised, what you’d like to do differently, and how you envision your future together. Discuss these concerns before they become issues and decide ahead of time how you’d like to handle the tougher problems, like who earns the money or how involved you want to be in raising your children. Make your own expectations known up front so that there are no surprises that will hurt your relationship and derail your happiness.